Thursday, May 30, 2013

For Only $19.99...

I am a marketer’s dream.  If an ad says it works, obviously it has to work…they wouldn’t lie…right? 

For only $19.99 I can look prettier/skinnier/younger/taller/fitter/more-Victoria’s-Secret-modelesque?  Just tell me who to write the check out to.  If you told me cat pee was the elixir to life, I’d buy a feline friend and start a drinkin’.  I’m not saying I’m proud of my gullibility; I’m just saying I, like most girls I know, am constantly trying to find the “secret” to looking prettier/skinnier/younger/taller/fitter/more-Victoria’s-Secret-modelesque and I am willing to try a few gimmicks on the way on the off-chance they just might be the miracle solution. 

After a long 22 years on this earth, searching and facing the disappointments of trial and error (did anyone else lose faith in humanity after Smooth Away didn’t actually leave your legs perfectly silky smooth and hair-less after the swipe of a magical pad?  I was depressed and hairy for weeks…), I think I have found a formula that actually works.  At the risk of sounding like one of those Paid Programmings on TV at 4 am, my solution will actually leave you looking prettier/skinnier/younger/fitter/more-Victoria’s-Secret-modelesque, not to mention feeling more energetic and healthier.  The catch?  Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as sending in a payment and immediately seeing results.  The benefit?  It works!  So, I’ll let you weigh the pros and cons…

The first step…stop counting calories!!  I don’t care that your pack of baby Oreos is only 100 calories (even though those little ones are just so cute)—you are putting crap into your body.  Counting calories serves no use if you are just going to meet your limit with over-processed, over-fatty, and over-sugary snacks and foods.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the sugary stuff (see “My Night with Ryan Gosling”) but you have to do it right and when you don’t do it right, you have to do it sparingly.  The second step is to stop starving yourself.  When you go more than 4 hours without eating, now I’m not a nutritionist but I'm going to say this in the most scientific way possible: your body freaks the f@#! out and wants to go HAM on the next edible thing you see (I also become a low-blood sugar bitch which is not a pretty sight…just ask any one of my ex-boyfriends).  You are killing your metabolism when you starve yourself, which means the “skinnier” part of my promise becomes a lot harder to attain.  Oddly enough, when you eat more often (and I’m not talking about baby Oreos), you rev up your metabolism, lose more weight, and are a nicer person.  Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, right?  And it is, as long as you do it right.  The third and final step is to eat clean and strategically.  Let me explain this last point and I promise it’s a lot easier than you think. 

By eating clean, you’ll be putting whole ingredients like fresh vegetables and fruit, whole grains, and lean meats into your body to use as fuel.  I like chips as much as the next girl, but it’s not going to keep me as full and it’s not going to keep me on my way to Victoria’s Secret model-dom.  It’s pretty simple: don’t eat s@#! (i.e. processed foods and junk food), if you don’t want to feel and look like s@#!.  By eating strategically, you will be eating 6 times a day: breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, and of course, dessert.  Each time you eat you will strategically pick things that will fuel your body for your workout or until your next meal, namely, foods with protein and complex carbs (i.e. veggies, fruits, grains).  Maybe it sounds confusing now but I have provided a list of what I ate yesterday to give you an example.  Once you develop a pattern, it will become second nature.

Breakfast: Plain oatmeal made with water, with a dash of unsweetened vanilla almond milk for flavor, and a banana

Snack: Greek yogurt (after I workout, I go straight for a Greek yogurt cup with fruit i.e. Fage or Chobani)

Lunch: Egg whites, spinach, avocado (healthy fat, but still a fat so don’t go cray cray), and brown rice

Snack: Apple and low-fat string cheese (I always bring a snack with me on-the-go to avoid low-blood-sugar-bitch-Hannah…maybe you think it’s weird that I have food in my purse, but I think it’s weird that you’re hungry, so let’s call it even)

Dinner: Salmon, a TON of veggies, and a little bit of quinoa

Dessert: Raspberries with Justin’s Chocolate Hazelnut Butter pack (tastes like Nutella but with no guilt…so I can save my guilt for guilty pleasures like Princesses of Long Island)

I, without a doubt, eat more food than a majority of the people I know, but because what I’m eating is healthy and because I calculate how I spread it out during the day, it doesn’t matter.  And although it takes a little more thought than “acting in the next 30 seconds for yet another bonus hair bun-maker,” I promise it’s worth it. 

Personally, I think Happy Healthy Hannah is a lot catchier than low-blood-sugar, always counting calories, filling her body with processed foods Hannah…but that could just be me.  When you eat right, you’re healthier.  When you’re healthier, you’re happier.  And when you’re happier and healthier, you’re hotter.  No gimmicks.  No catches.  No bait-and-switch.  The only side effects you may encounter are more self-confidence, more compliments, and more attention from the lifeguard at station 15.  So while you’re deciding…I’m going to go pretend to drown.

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