Juice-y Couture

 

I am from the land of unbearable traffic and spray tans—needless to say, I love a good shortcut.  Tell me I can get what I want faster, easier, and without leech therapy, and I’m there and signed up for the next fad route to the promise land.  There is really nothing better than attaining something you want without putting in the necessary effort, just ask any of my group project team members from school.  Shortcuts don’t always pan out the way you had hoped, but then again, Lincoln will always be better than the 405 during rush hour, so I think they’re usually worth a shot.  That is why, this week, I tried a juice cleanse.

Juice cleanses are a fave shortcut of some of Hollywood’s hottest celebs and supermodels.  The cleanse guarantees a litany of unbelievable promises including: elimination of toxic buildup, vitamins A, C, K, E, B (etc…you get the picture), cardiovascular support, healthy skin, bones, & teeth, increase in brain function, strengthening of immune system, purification of blood, blah blah blah, and of course, weight loss.  For anywhere between 3 to 10 days, all you consume is pre-bottled, insanely overpriced fruit and vegetable juice (most cleanses range from $45 to $70 per day).  Somehow as unappealing as that may sound, I thought it would be a great idea to give it a go…I mean if Adriana Lima can do it, so can I…right?

Wrong!  Very, very, VERY wrong. 

Day 1: I woke up ready and amped to start my 3-day shortcut to my detoxified and runway-ready bod.  I laid out the times that I would consume each juice, stuck my straw in the first designated bottle, and started a sippin’.  I felt great!  I felt refreshed and light and ready to own this cleanse—adios toxic buildup!  By juice number 4 (out of 7), I was a little bit hungry but too consumed with the promise of looking like Bar Rafaeli in the next 72 hours to falter.  For the rest of the afternoon I laid in bed watching Hunger Games and How I Met Your Mother, too tired to engage in normal daytime activities.  Luckily, my mom and my sister jumped on board the supermodel juice train, so come dinnertime, I was not tempted by solid foods.  I shortly elected to soothe my dizziness and fatigue by putting myself to bed at 9:30, falling asleep before I could even peruse my Facebook News Feed as I do every night (How else am I gonna know that my elementary school crush is “feeling hungry” that night?!  Riddle me that!).  I woke up approximately 5 times during the night to pee, due to the mass amount of liquid supposedly detoxifying my system.  I wonder how models on these cleanses make it down the runway without a pit stop…

Day 2: Gonna be honest with you, when I woke up, I was not Happy Healthy Hannah.  I was tired, bloated, and definitely low-blood sugar bitch Hannah.  I had a bad headache and was just not thinking straight (I called my mom 7 times while she was in a business meeting, panicked and crazed about the whereabouts of juice #1…appropriate?  I thought so, apparently).  But regardless of my psychosis, I was not going to quit now.  Victoria’s Secret was going to be calling me soon for the next Angels campaign, as they do for most pale, 5’2” Jewish girls, and when they did, I was going to be camera ready.  I lounged about doing, well, nothing for the rest of the morning, which if you know me, NEVER happens—I am always being active or productive or doing something, at the very least.  By 2 pm I knew something was not right.  I felt weak beyond belief, I had a migraine, and I left the TV on “Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta” (when everyone knows the original is way better) because the remote was too far away.  Now, I like to pride myself on being in touch with my body and knowing my limits, but I also didn’t want to be a quitter.  I knew I was at my limit and I had to figure out my plan of action.  It was time for the next juice and the thought of ingesting another apple, lemon, ginger, & cayenne pepper concoction was enough to make me vom.  So with that lovely image, I quit.

I ate real human food and guess what?  I felt normal again!  What a surprise…

Now I’m no history buff (Franz Ferdinand started WWI with their hit “Take Me Out,” right?), but I’m pretty sure that cavemen did not own juice pressers—don’t quote me on that though.  Our bodies have been evolutionarily conditioned to be fueled by nutrient and protein-filled food.  Why f@*# wit dat?  Anything that promises drastic results in 72 hours has got to be unhealthy for you.

So although I love that I can leave the house without blow-drying my hair due to my Brazilian Blowout, not all shortcuts are worth it.  Some things you are better off working for.  Save the money, time, and agony intrinsic in a juice cleanse and just do it the old-fashioned way: workout and eat right.  It may take some more time and effort but it’s the healthy route and that’s what is most important.  Plus it’s not like I even wanted to model for Victoria’s Secret anyway…